This week was a bittersweet week for me. I turned my son’s
car seat from rear facing (RF) to forward facing (FF) because he reached the
weight limit of the seat in the RF position. To a lot of moms, this switch
isn’t a huge deal, but for me this was a bittersweet transition for a lot of
reasons. It was bitter because I actually wanted to keep him RF longer and, why
is my 2.5 year old so big?? It was sweet because keeping him RF this long is
only one of my many mommy victories. I chose to do Extended Rear Facing (ERF)
with Emerson. I’m not going to use this post as a PSA for car seat safety,
although I obviously am passionate about it. And I never expected that car
seats would be my platform for so many other mommy issues, but here we are, and
it is. You see, ERF was a choice I made as a mother, for my child, and like
many choices that mothers make, I was questioned and judged for this choice.
But thank goodness I chose to follow my mothers-intuition instead of caving to
the pressure of other mothers, family, and strangers – all of whom are not in
my immediate family, and while they may have some guidance to offer from time
to time, don’t know what is best for us. Before you get offended by that
last bit, let me clarify.
We Are All Doing the
Best We Can
I think being a mom is an incredible job, and motherhood
looks different, and holds a different experience for each of us. Being a mom
is not a job that is to be taken lightly, and none of the moms I know are
treating it that way. No mother that I know is doing exactly what I am doing as
a mother, yet I know with total certainty that each mother I know is doing the best she can with what she knows and
the resources she has. When I know that another mom is doing the best she can,
I can’t have anything but love in my heart for her. I can’t do anything but
uplift her for doing the best job she knows how to do. I can’t feel anything
but tenderness in my heart for her for the hard choices she has to make for her
family. When we know that mothers are doing the best they can, how can we feel
anything different?
What Moms Face
Moms always have to make decisions for their families on
display for the world to see (and thus, critique). So many times moms want to
make a decision for their family and end up choosing differently than what
their intuition is guiding them to do. Whether it be due to well-meaning family
who is just crossing the “giving advice” boundaries, or social media bombarding
moms with unrealistic expectations of motherhood, or just complete strangers sticking
their nose where it doesn’t belong; moms are flooded with opinions and
judgements about the choices they are making for their family and,
unfortunately, this often leads to moms making choices for their families that
they might not be completely comfortable with. I have been hit with this force
multiple times, over multiple choices I have made as a mother and I finally
just had to find my mommy voice and say enough!
And to be clear – I’ve been on the other side of that coin
too, judging mothers for doing something that they “clearly” could have done better. It’s not easy just to
eliminate those thoughts. Sometimes I can prevent them from popping up in my mind
in the first place, but sometimes they enter my thoughts uninvited, and I have
to give myself the grace to politely ask them to leave. Or even worse, not only
do they sometimes enter my thoughts, sometimes they manifest into ugly gossip,
and that’s when I really need to do some introspection and ask myself how this
is benefiting anyone, because it’s not.
It’s a work in progress for all of us. I don’t ask that any of us change
who we are overnight, I just ask that we make an effort to recognize this
behavior and to choose to do better.
Mothers-Intuition
The day my son was born, I was born too, and I was born with
mothers-intuition – a gut feeling, a maternal instinct, and an innate knowing
that guides me to make choices for my family that will grow us into the best
humans we can possibly be. Moms were given mother-intuition for a reason; we
shouldn’t ignore it for the comfort and convenience of others.
When I was judged for keeping Emerson rear facing for longer
than others thought he should have been, I had a choice to make. I could cave
into the pressure of the voices around me, or I could silence those voices and
follow the only voice that matters; the voice of my intuition. I chose to follow my heart. I chose to let
love guide me, even at the cost of being judged by others, and there aren’t
many greater feelings than having confidence in yourself, knowing that you made
a choice that was intuitive and authentic.
How to Treat Moms
If I could reach out to social media, strangers, and people
in my life who have questioned my choices as a mother and tell them how I would
like to be treated (wait, is that what’s happening here?), this is what I would
say:
I am smart. I am a conscious, thoughtful, loving mother, and
everything I do for my children is what I believe is in their best interest. I
read a lot. I read a lot about parenting, I read a lot about politics, and I
read about things I think might help me be a better person. I am intelligent,
and when I read things I thoughtfully consider how this idea or concept might
apply to my family, and how it could work for us. I don’t apply everything I
read to my family, and I don’t apply things I’ve read about to my family
without consciously considering if this would be a good fit for us or not. I
also have a lot of original ideas and instinctive choices that I have made for
my family that are not influenced by anything I’ve read. Please know this and
consider this before judging or questioning the choices I am making. Sure, some
choices are different than the “tried and true” way, but that doesn’t make it
wrong. This goes for all mothers. We don’t all need to be making the same
choices to be amazing parents to our children.
Every Parent, Every
Kid, Every Family
Since becoming a mother, this has become my motto. I never
realized how poorly mothers were treated until I became one myself. It’s like
as soon as you become a parent suddenly the way you live your life is everyone
else’s business. Nope, sorry, it’s not. And obviously there are family and
friends who love our kids almost as much as we do and they don’t mean be
critical but they just want the best for our little ones, I get it. Guidance
from family and friends is WONDERFUL, but it also has boundaries. Welcomed
wisdom is okay, unsolicited advice is not. And as a loved one, you have to
accept that the mother might choose differently than what you would choose, and
because you love her, you have to give her the grace to make the choices she needs
to make, even if those choices may be different from yours. The truth is, it’s
just not your choice to make. Additionally, even if you have been through a
similar scenario as a mother and you want to tell her how you “got through it”,
you are not THAT mother, to THAT child in THAT family. Even with the experience
you may have, you still don’t know what the best choice is for that family. So
give wisdom when it’s welcomed, be unattached to the outcome, and support the
mom and family no matter what.
Our Right as Mothers
We were made mothers for a reason. Our children chose us for
a reason. We have all the wisdom and resources to be the parents we were
destined to be. We were given this job for a purpose, and it’s our right and
our responsibility to parent as we see fit – which includes making mistakes! I
will be the first to say that I know that not ALL of the choices I am making as
a mother are “the best”. I once told my kid I would give him a Popsicle if he
let me put pajamas on him. CLEARLY that was not my best parenting moment. But I
look forward to the “poor choices” just as much as I look forward to the “good
choices”, because when I don’t make the best choice then it’s an opportunity to
grow, and I’m thankful for that. The downfalls give me a chance to introspect
on how this particular situation panned out, what I learned from it, and how I
might handle it differently in the future. Moms are entitled to this just as
much as they are entitled to watching their kids succeed. We deserve to learn
and grow authentically in our little families.
Making Choices
Many of our big moments in life are really just small moments
when everything unfolds with perfect beauty. This happened for me one morning
when I yelled at my dog for barking (yes, you read that right). My husband and
I are really conscious of how we discipline our dog in front of our toddler
because he doesn’t understand it all. So this one morning I wasn’t being
careful and I yelled at my dog because he was standing on the couch barking at
the mailman. Then my 2 year old joined in the yelling and started to tell our
dog that he was a “bad dog”. I (immediately thinking a trillion years into the
future) panicked at the thought of my kid resenting our dog, so I explained to
him how I saw the situation. I said “Emerson, Chance isn’t a bad dog, he’s just
making bad choices” - and ever since this has been our parenting philosophy. My
husband and I are constantly reminding our little guy to make good choices and
we give him opportunities to identify whether his choices are good or bad. I
want to use this philosophy with my kids because I want to empower them. I want
them to know that they have a say in their little world, and that they are
intelligent, capable people. And that’s how mothers should be treated too. Sometimes
moms have to make hard choices, and I think it’s important for all of us to
give mothers the respect and grace to make choices for her family. Even if it’s
not what we would choose, that doesn’t mean that the mom is bad, it’s just the
choice that she needed to make for her family. It’s not up to us to evaluate
and understand every single choice a mother makes for her family; it’s only our
job to love her through it. Period.
All You Need Is Love
In conclusion…
Moms, you rock. You make hard choices every day and you
should love yourself for it. Love yourself for the opportunities just as much
as you love yourself for successes. Love yourself in the moments when you teach
your kids valuable life lessons, and in the moments when you bribe them to do
something they shouldn’t be bribed to do. Give yourself grace, and celebrate
each and every mommy victory!
Outsiders, you have an important job in raising these kids,
and that job is to uplift their mothers. Empower, support, love, and encourage
mothers to keep making the important choices, and give them grace when their
choices are different than yours. Above all else, just give them love.
Disclaimer: This
article doesn’t apply to clearly bad parenting choices like abuse or neglect.
This only applies to healthy parenting and everyday choices like breastfeeding
vs formula, crib vs co-sleeping, organic vs non-organic, etc.
Disclaimer 2:
Although this article was worded to be towards mothers it applies to all
parents and guardians.
