Breath of Heaven

12.18.2012

This time of year the Christmas songs are buzzing everywhere you turn. My very favorite Christmas song is Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant. I have always felt such a strong connection to that song, and to Mary, and now that I am a mother, the words could not ring more true for me.

Reflecting on the story of Mary, I feel an overwhelming presence of strength and humility; two things that I am quickly learning define motherhood. While not all mothers give birth to the messiah, each child is just as important in their mothers eyes, and to the mother, the job of raising, caring and nurturing for them is just the same.

In the past 11 weeks of my life, I have stepped upon the foot of the mountain of motherhood. Just like Mary, my short life of motherhood has been consumed me with strength and humility.

I have always heard the sayings about motherhood... "It's the hardest job you'll ever have" "There is no love like the love of a mothers", but these statements always proved to be vague and uninformative. Motherhood being a "hard" job is an enormous understatement. Starting with labor and the unspeakable things that go on in that delivery room. There are so many things that you are not forewarned about in books, the internet, and already established mothers. And once the baby has arrived, you are abruptly thrown back into society as just another number. From the red tape of hospitals, insurance, and employment and the mile high hoops that you are forced to jump through, to breastfeeding, sleepless nights, and yet another round of hormones changing - its a wonder that there are so many wonderfully functioning mothers in society.

When I think of Mary, I am comforted by the strength and perseverance she had. Mary was afraid of being a mother, especially to the messiah. When she is praying to God she asks him if he is sure that he has chosen the right person for this task. I don't know if every mother feels this, although I imagine that they do, but like Mary, on a daily basis I am faced with fear of raising my beautiful baby boy. Am I doing this right? What if I over feed him? Underfeed him? Don't give him enough tummy time? Am I interacting with him enough? Is there such thing as too much time in the car seat? Is he the right temperature?  What if he over heats? But what if he gets cold? I don't think I need to explain that this is the list that never ends. Being a mother is a constant balancing act between one extreme and the next.

As if monitoring his temperature isn't scary enough, then the mother has to let him go. From the first time he goes to a babysitter, to the first time she returns to work, to the first time he sleeps over at grandmas house, to the dreaded day when he stops nursing, motherhood is a constant struggle of letting go. I can vividly remember learning that I had to return to work sooner than I thought and looking at my beautiful baby and just saying to him "well, here starts a life time of always letting go."

And as if letting go isn't scary enough, then the mother must raise her child to be a happy, safe, and thriving person in a world full of distorted values and a love of violence. Now I can really start to put my feet in Mary's shoes. Jesus was born to bring change to the world. He was brought to this earth to teach unconditional love, inner peace, and unwavering faith. And it was Mary's job to see that he had the love, guidance, and protection to do so. Like the mothers of today, she also had to do these things in a world of distorted values. As a mother, this is the scariest thing I have ever known. Especially after events like the elementary school shooting that took place last week. How does anyone know such evil? How do I raise my son to repel evil and violence and embrace love and peace? Can I really do that? Me? Are you sure God??

Every day I go to work wanting to sob because I miss my son SO much. I just want to be with him and hold him. I think to my self, this is only going to work, how will I handle it when he goes to school or makes friends? This is when I am reminded that motherhood is a constant wave of letting go. A perpetual pull on my heart strings. And at this time I only have one child. When I have a second child I will be starting back at square one. And then I wonder, how do mothers do this? How is it possible to endure so much hardship and still have enough love left over to kiss your little baby so much that you run out of breath? I don't know how, I just know that it is. And perhaps the "how' is not what is important.

And the last, and maybe hardest lesson that I am learning (emphasis on the present tense) from Mother Mary is unconditional gratitude. Unconditional gratitude is by far the most humbling experience of motherhood. Mothers endure so many bumps in the road, yet, we must always be grateful above all for our healthy, thriving children. Life itself is a perpetual reminder that "things could always be worse." So although it hurts my heart to leave my son at his babysitters while I go to work, and I have been through one run around after another with the hospital, insurance, work, and school, and things like the labor and breastfeeding did not pan out as beautifully as I imagined in my mind - after all I am humbly and utterly grateful that I have a beautiful happy and healthy son, and that I have all of the resources available to me to "raise the messiah."

As a mother this holiday season and always, I am abundantly grateful to have Mother Mary as my light and my guide to help me along the way as I shepard my little boy into this world and nourish the love, peace, and faith inside of him. So; breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me. Breath of heaven, light to my darkness, pour over me your holiness, for you are holy. This is my daily prayer.